I am not sure how, but as I was resting in the cat scan machine yesterday I had a marvelous thought. I kept thinking about one of the major tenets of Buddhism, “what one thinks, manifests.” And how in no way shape or form did I remotely think about cancer, well at least how it pertained to me. So why is this visiting me now?
Then for some reason I thought of my grandfather whose sole desire for nearly his entire life was to see the century/millennium change. It is what kept him going after my grandmother died. Amazingly, he did this. Sadly, it was attached to machines in a hospital. But he made it happen. In fact, he made it into the first two months of 2001.
As I was thinking about this I realized that our thoughts do not have to manifest right away to be true. Sometimes it takes a lifetime, like with my grandfather.
So I started to wonder if thoughts from years ago, when I was was far more damaging to myself, when I was pretty much a cancer to myself, were finally taking root. Or rather blooming, as the roots would have taken root years ago. “This seems quite possible,” I thought to myself as I caught myself nodding my head in agreeance.
Then I took all this a bit further and started to apply the lessons I’ve learned in meditation. The things that block us, inhibit our growth, come to the surface as they get ready to pass on, and leave our life. These cravings and aversions that we cling to, that we try and build the foundations of our lives around are ever changing and pourous; thus, leaving our lives in turmoil. So perhaps though meditative practice I engaged this tumor, the origins of it and let it be known that it was no longer nessesary, it no longer had right to claim my body, my life as home. And thus, it bubbled to the surface so it could be removed. Which basically is a direct metaphor of exactly what my life has been for the past few years — ridding it of the pollutants.
I’m not trying to suggest there is not going to be consequences from my lifestyle and general self-destructiveness from years back, but I am glad to get the chance to remove this from my body rather than let it continue to fester unaccounted for deep within me. I am still pulling for benign results, but I can use this train of thought to avoid the utter despair that has been clouding over my life these past few days. And there is something awesome about that.
Now, I have to be honest and also say that not all my thoughts while I lay there were of this level or even beneficial. For instance I also considered how Grease would have been so much better if it had been about knights rather than greasers and called Summer Knights. Yeah… I am going to totally blame that one on the lack of sleep from the past few days.
As for an update: the cat scan found a total of six enlarged lymph nodes. Thankfully, nothing as such was discovered in my organs, as this would have been pretty much the absolute worst finding possible. The news was not all flowers and juggling acrobats though, as the nodes were found in my right arm and left groin, meaning that if they are cancerous it already puts me in type 3. What this means is that it is not localized in just one lymph node area (the best case scenario outside of it being benign), but flowing about throughout my body, which is a pretty scary thought. But all this is moot till I get the results, most likely next week, but quite possibly Friday.
The way I am looking at this is I did not get bad news today. Therefore, it was a good day. Sure it might be coming, but that is not now, and I am better for it.