One Hundred and Sixty One

So I wrote this at the beginning of August of last year, or you know, 161 days before today. (In my mind, this was going to be published on Jan 1, which was exactly 150 days from when I wrote this, but I got a bit too excited and forgot a few things, like having to wait a week for tests results, etc…)

Why you ask, did I wait so long to publish it?

Well… I made a huge decision on my treatment — rejecting western treatment options  to opt strictly for a nutrition based treatment with an extra load of meditation to rid my body of cancer — and I made the decision to avoid talking about this, as I was concerned about being polluted with doubt that I may have received from taking what some may view as a “drastic” or “unwarranted” step.

So what brought about this change? In July, I had what is easily one of the scariest episodes of my life. Due to the meds I was taking, I started to lose my ability to remember things, both short term and long term memories, Poof! In fact, I lost at least one entire day where I have absolutely no idea what happened, where I went, what I did, or even if I woke up at all (though the people at my guesthouse assured me that I did get up and leave.)

I started to worry that my family’s history with dementia and Alzheimer’s fell on me with the weight of the loudest “TIMBER!” bellowed in a logging camp. This was especially hard for me because up till then, my body seemed intent on only reject my body, leaving my mind alone. I worried that something was turning my brain to Swiss cheese or a set of damp, limp, unkempt, stained, frayed doilies. They even had to check if I had a brain eating virus, well they thankfully said “rule out” rather than check, but still those are three words you never want to hear while in a examination room. And with that worry came an un-swayable decision that if my brain was going, I was going to give up on any and all treatments, and just give it my all to do as much, be as much as possible before I lost whatever remained. I was far more than worried, I was TERRIFIED!

Thankfully, it turned out to be just nutritional and mineral deficiencies, in B vitamins, iron, magnesium, Vitamin D, and whatnot. But this relief that my brain was not a well honed ant farm did not also extend to my faith in western treatment options. As, once again, the side effects, the after effects really, bit me quite hard on the ass. Memory loss was not the first time I felt failed by the allopathic techniques of western medicine. But like some codependent/addict, I always went back to the till, grasping for my next fix, even as my body further deteriorated.

I walk with a cane because of Prednisone and the after effects of steroid use, err… overuse. My reliance on this drug ate away a huge portion of bone in my leg, where now I can not stand unaided without the distinct possibility of my bone snapping and physically can not walk without my brace/cane as my bone is not strong enough to support even my feeble weight. Then as Lupus kept ravaging my system and I was unable to take more Prednisone, I opted to due the nuclear option and went all in with chemo. And while I know I would most likely not be alive today without this treatment, I also now know that one of the drugs from my chemo cocktail has been linked to future cases of Lymphoma.

I read that in late June, in the amazing book The Emperor of all Maladies: A Biography of Cancer. And the foundation of faith I had in western medicine absolutely crumbled. I also, stopped breathing, trembled and wept: “could I have done this to myself?” Then, “why did I do this to myself?”

It was not a good evening. To say the least.

Thankfully, I am out of this self-pitying spiral. But it was a hard journey to make. The most ironic part, that without the chemo, I know I never could have made it, as the person I used to be would have sabotaged any other healing efforts. I may or may not have laughed uncontrollably upon this realization. And as perverse as that may be, it is totally true.

And for that alone, I can appreciate what has happened to me post chemo. I am a much better me. I exist in the present tense. I exist without a corrosive venom coursing though my veins. I exist.

But, and this is a huge BUT… there is a very strong likelihood that my adventures in chemo spurred on this cancer, incubating it. The healing of one bout against my eventual mortality quite probably only prolonged that bout. And while I intrinsically know death is an inevitable end to being alive, I am not thrilled with the idea I most likely invited its minion, cancer, into my body.

And now I am taking responsibility for this action here. I could easily blame my doctors for conjuring up a chemo cocktail in a way that made me more susceptible for growing Lymphoma within me. And trust me the desire is there, to look outward for blame. But I am taking responsibility for this. As well as taking responsibility for anything that occurs health wise in my future. And really, that is one of the reasons I think I stayed with a tradition that ruined my leg, ravaged my kidneys, and most probably prompted the lymphoma: not only did I want someone else to blame if things did not go well, I needed someone else.

That need is over.

This is the part I tell you what my plan to heal myself is/was. First, this is my 150 day plan, because I have decided to be cancer free by January 1st 2013 (which in an moment of perfect kismet was exactly 150 days away from making this decision, which I took as a harbinger of excellence, an omen that could not be denied). And while that may sound audacious, arrogant, delusional, naive, or any other adjective to you, I see it as intentional. Without intent I will never achieve anything. But intent takes action too. As appealing as the idea might be, I do not believe that I can just will away cancer. My will needs help (and for me just admitting this is such a huge step).

And that help is coming from a multitude of sources. I begin my day with two to three hours a day of meditation. Here I will work on freeing my body from any contaminants, both physical and emotional, that could assist cancer growth. This also helps me hone my mind to be far more positive and less unbalanced; thus, healthier in spades. Say what you like, but I am more than convinced a negative, unbalanced mind promotes disease and illness. I only have to look at where I have been, the inner energies I cultivated, etc, etc… to see this as fact.

With each mouthful I consume, I am also intently thinking, concentrating, actualizing, that what I am ingesting is ridding my body of cancer cells. To do this I am opting to restrict my diet to only the absolutely healthiest foods. I am going mad with juice consumption. As in, liters of mostly green juice a day. I am also drinking at least two liters of lemongrass tea a day. I read of a scientist who dropped lemongrass extract in test tubes with cancer cells in them. The lemongrass completely eradicated them. I also am totally and completely jumping on the spirulina bandwagon with triple the daily recommended dose. And avocados, which to my happy surprise contain every nutrient and mineral the meds stripped from me. So it has been nearly a Kilo of avocados a day as well. And 90% of everything I consume is raw, bursting with nutrients and enzymes to assist me on eradicating tainted, malformed cells from my person.

And each time I take a sip, chew, and generally consume anything, that is what I am doing. I am not reading, watching TV, replaying my day in my head, wondering what I will do tomorrow, playing around on the computer, or anything else. I am eating/drinking and focused on every benefit each mouthful holds, nothing else. One could say I am being ever so scientific about this, as I am approaching this along the lines of the law of conservation of matter, where nothing is created or destroyed, only its form changes. And with that I am consuming abundantly nutritious food bathed in cancer fighting attributes, and as I take these in they overtake and replace the maligned cells with cells glowing with radiant health — glowing so brightly, I envision just the light cascading throughout my body blinds the cancer cells, further stunting their growth. And with each bite, and each breath I take I am healing myself, for I am healthy.

And that is what I wrote 150 days ago. To this regimen above I added daily mixed of some of the most noxious Chinese medical herbs vetted by three herbalists. Upon discovering that the hours between 10pm and 2am are the most prime hours for healing based on circadian rhythms  I also opted to do everything in my power to assist those that by being asleep during those times. And most recently, I have integrated practicing Qi Gong and absorbing the healing effects it provides on a near daily basis. And tomorrow, Jan 2nd I will have my vital tested to see the successes of my endeavors.

Results: forthcoming.

About Randy

I'm just a guy trying to out run his dying kidneys and live life as vibrantly as possible. Until I can't. I grew up in Tejas. Went to school in Vermont. And currently live in Brooklyn. But not for long....
This entry was posted in i want to live and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>