Along with the Hyperbaric treatment, I also sought out an ayurvedic kidney specialist in Chennai. This meeting did not bode nearly as well and my Hyperbaric adventures under glass. Actually it was a far more pleasant experience, just without the ever so hopeful conclusion.
He told me something that I have known for quite some time. I am out of balance. Out of whack. This is not news. Why else would my body be trying to maim/harm me? What is it trying to set right though? A past life transgression? A slew of wrong chemicals? Paying for the sins of my father?
Well sadly, the doctor told me it is not a pysical imbalance that is effecting my kidneys, but a spirital/mental one that is prompting my condition/s. Physical would be easy to fix. Physical you can touch. Mold. Shape. Correct. So this leaves me back to questions, so many questions…, on faith. Again. Begrudgingly.
So I stare out at an abyss, asking how does one steady the scales of something that one is just trying to grasp and is not even sure exists?
To further complicate matters, as most of you know, there is the problem of me pretty much being a black or white/good or bad/love or hate kind of guy. This does not bode well for balance. The fulcrum of my scale is all off, steadfastly against equilibrium.
Grey is the color of balance, absorbing world views, muting the edges and creating a symmetrical oasis. Grey is the ideal.
But grey feels totally out of reach. Artificial. Unauthentic. Thus, my problem. I seem deeply, intrinsically against balance, leaning to the extremes as I always do. Always have. So I ask simply, how do i shed this skin? Where do I molt?
I stand here today, wearing a garish, tattered quilt of uneven, misshapen, harlequin black and white splotches while I need to be in the nicely pressed Seville Row grey suit that hangs ever so pristinely and evenly on me…..
Yet another thing to add to my to do list I suppose. I am really hoping that my meditation training later this week can help me suss this out.
The day after i wrote this, I found this article in the oped section of the paper i read on my way to Kolkata. Moments of serendipity such as this urge me to think that the universe is indeed tying to communicate with me.
I also can not seem to get the very early, very bad Depeche Mode song Get the Balance Right out of my head. So, I sort of think the universe may hate me as well.