I am not looking for a cure. They tell me I am incurable.
Every one’s kidneys have a lifespan. Most outlive their host.
Mine will not.
This is fact.
I keep trying not to dwell too much on it. Yeah… it does not seem to be working…
I look to prolong the health of my kidneys and on Monday Feb the 14 I started that process, full tilt. Due to the Oracle of MUNI I embarked on a crash course, six day hyperbaric chamber treatment. “Oxygen will fix your kidneys,” she said. So I will try and use oxygen to fix them.
But fix them is a misnomer. I just want to infuse them with more life. More time.
Traveling has been rougher on my kidneys than expected. Hell, just rougher on me. My GFR rate fell a full three points in December. My first month here. It took it the previous six months for it to fall that much.
So I welcome this potential help ever so greatly. But I am super nervous as well. I could not sleep the night before the treatment began. And getting up on that Monday for a very early train back to Chennai, I almost talked myself out of even trying it. Forgoing what might help me due to fear.
I was literally two minutes away from forgoing the whole affair and going back to sleep. If it was not for that second wake up call I requested, I most likely would not have gone.
You see, I was nervous that it might not work. But I was super nervous that it actually might work.
That’s right. I was more nervous that I might find a way to stave of the decay in my kidneys. I am damn scared of this fact.
Scared of having to once again change my expectations.
Scared of receiving a new lease.
Scared of the promise of something good happening.
Yes, I am more scared it might work than not. How insane is that?
I have been working on ridding myself of the patterns of self destruction/loathing/sabotage for nearly two years now. Apparently I need to ply some more energy to that area.
But I did get up early and I did do my treatment, and it seems as if that crazy old blind woman from San Francisco may have been on to something. Tomorrow I will fill in the good details I’ve gotten since the treatment. The good must last, but I am cautiously optimistic. And equally scared at the same time.