Disappointment, Part 2

So I have been quiet over here for a while. Mainly due to hitting a major snag in my departure plan. I failed to get the correct visa to travel to India in time for my already purchased flight. Yeah, it was awesome…

Needless to say, it created a few headaches and required a change in travel plans, along with a quick dash across the country, and a few more mishaps. Be assured that I will be writing about this in depth, but will refrain until I have left India in on or before may 14th.

So rather than starting my life as an ex-pat on Nov 15th as I had planed, I will begin that life today. Well this evening really. Late this evening, 10:50 eastern time, I will depart the states and begin my globe-trotting vagabond section of my life.

To say that I am not in India right now is indeed disappointing. I had planed out an entire six week initial adventure that had me staying at ashrams and spending time in an Ayurvedic clinic as well as seeing some amazing sights in central India, after landing in Mumbai. Alas, now I am flying into Delhi and having to change the itinerary completely. As well as cancel quite a few reservations and the like.

But the truly, most amazingly awful, disappointment comes from circumstance, well uncontrollable circumstance. See I met someone in August. Someone who I initially thought would be very fun to hang out with until it was time for me to take my leave. I never intended to fall in love. But this is exactly what I did. I fell harder and faster than I ever have before. This is why it was extremely hard to leave NYC at the beginning of October. But as I have been camped out here for the past few weeks waiting ever so patiently for my visa to come through, I have fallen harder. Much harder.

And now I am leaving. And now I am questioning everything about my plan. I have tried to find a reason to stay. I have tried to find a reason to stagnate in a country that cares so little for my health because I care so much for this person.

Well that is not exactly true. See we found each other right as each of us were preparing to embark on an adventure. Just as I am leaving the country so too is my love. Work is relocating her to Brazil come February. So even if I stayed our love would strangulate with a huge noose of absence. But I still wonder if it is worth it.

So this past weekend, I told her that we found each other at the perfect moment in our mental lives, and the most dire time in our personal lives. I also cried a lot. A love affair this good should not have to end. Yet here we are.

Thankfully I get to see her in India at the end of the month for a wedding and travel with her for 2 weeks after that, but then we will have to learn to live without her calling me the “quasi boyfriend”.

I will also see her in Brazil when I go through there sometime next year. But our lives will seemingly be on different tracks. Our relationship changed dramatically by the ravages of time. By the infinite amount of new faces that will flood our path between now and then. What we have now will never be again.

And while I totally get that and have steeled myself for this ultimate end, I find myself daydreaming about ways to keep this. And I end up utterly disappointed at each one.

It is hard.

But most of all I am disappointed that:

I will not be able to make her lunch everyday again.
Waking up without her by my side will haunt me for years to come.
I can not ensure she eats a proper dinner, even when she works extra late and has no energy to eat.
Such a bliss filled chapter in my life is coming to a close.
etc etc….

About Randy

I'm just a guy trying to out run his dying kidneys and live life as vibrantly as possible. Until I can't. I grew up in Tejas. Went to school in Vermont. And currently live in Brooklyn. But not for long....
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4 Responses to Disappointment, Part 2

  1. Ben says:

    A love affair such as the one you describe never ends, Randy. Circumstances will bring you back together. Bon voyage friend.

  2. Chris Seymour says:

    Good luck with the first steps of the journey. I will be in India in January for a bit if you are still there. Let me know if/when you are going to make it to Australia.

  3. Richard says:

    Wishing you a safe and joyous journey.

  4. gaby says:

    what! when did i call you my “quasi boyfriend?” drinking tea now. the shopping list, the tea, and stefan’s perfect red tomoato. all of these things belong to you and me. beijos.

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